That immortal British pudding, Spotted Dick, has suddenly been attacked by Dickheads, I mean the
language police.For years it has sat smugly in canteens in schools and delighted generation after
generation of boys and girls, ( no, I can't say that anymore, so let it be generation after generation of different genders) with its delightfully rude explosion of naughty flavours, making every mouthful a sensation of moist and springy bliss.
For those who don't know what Spotted Dick is, I shall tell you. It is one of many similar types that gave
British food a bad name, because it's stodgy.It's made with suet and raisons and is at its best when
served with great dollops of heavy, thick custard.
My mouth is watering just writing about it. But I read somewhere that people who don't live in Britain
find it disgusting.
It is found in workplace canteens up and down the country, and everyone's eyes light up when they see it.
Masonic Lodges include it frequently in their Festive Boards;it is a good aid to soak up
all that wine they had with the main course , but I am sure that's not why it's included; it's there,quite simply,
because the members like it.
It probably reminds the members of this order of their .halcyon or ghastly school days, depending on
which sort of slave programming establishment they attended .Boarding school, would , I imagine, fall into the ghastly camp., so the higher echelons probably adore this, as it would remind them of one of the only treats they had to look forward to in those faraway prison style days.
Or, maybe not. Maybe it's just a comfort food, after having to go through all those rituals in the Lodge, with all those lines they had to remember.Festive Boards, I should add, are had after a Lodge meeting.
In the restaurants throughout the U.K. there it was written in bold capitals on the menu ;Spotted, oh you wonderful , Dick, and would eagerly be devoured by the hidden, or not so hidden, child in all of us.
But now, yes now in our wonderful Orwellian 21st Century those Rupert Bear like days are gone.
No longer is Dick allowed to be spotted.
No, that is. wrong; even worse, Dick is not allowed to be a Dick, or rather, Dick .
Dick , you see, according to the Dickheads ( the language police ) causes people,and, in particular, Snowflakes extreme discomfort, embarrassment, and , God forbid, laughter.How dare anyone laugh in our blighted times ? Don't you know, we live in very, very serious times ?
The Dickheads consider Dick as a rude word that makes people think of an important part of the male
body.A very important bit that makes sure generations keep on a- coming- that being the right word- coming.
So, the waiters in The Strangers Dining Room in the British Parliament now refer to Spotted Dick as,yes, wait for it, Spotted Richard.
Oh, hello Spotted Richard,how spotty you are, but your name will probably cause more laughter than your
previous one, 'cause everyone knows your real name.
Some Supermarkets in the U.K. now call this traditional English pudding Spotted Richard.
I can see that this is just the start of another insane trend that,like an octopus,is spreading its tentacles
everywhere, with more and more of the same coming- I am sorry if that last word offends anyone.
What about Meatballs ?
What an embarrassing name that surely evokes pictures of a certain delicate part of the male.
Next, no doubt, the major Supermarkets will be calling Meatballs Meatbites, Meatcircles, Rounded meat or some such nonsense
Then you have Roly Polly; surely this a suggestion of the sexual act?
This too will have to go.
How about Holy Polly, as I think the word roly is the guilty one in this case, as roly suggests rolling around, and rolling around could be taken as, well, you get the idea.
And Custard Tart, will , of course, have to be pushed away.We all know what tart refers to.
But, where will it end ?
Fish Fingers might well be under investigation, with its memories of the Beatles classic 'Penny Lane' and its
sly lyrics of 'fish and finger pie'.I think any man over the age of eighteen will know what this refers to.
Finger Pie is, in fact, sexual slang for intimate fondlings between teenagers. As for the fish bit, well, I will say no more.
In Greece most Fish Fingers are called Fish Sticks.
Ladies Fingers is another item destined for the memory hole. Mustn't have gender mentioned in any way whatsoever.
That brings us to another gender named food which is, Gentleman's Relish, which will, in all probability, be
re-named People's Relish.
Hot Dogs are more dubious, as it could be claimed that this could refer to the doggy position in the sexual act,but it is more spurious than the others, and might well escape the hatchet jobs that the others may suffer.
Toad In The Hole.Maybe this too is stretching it a bit, but I think you'll get the point.
Hole is the seductive word here, so I won't continue.This could be changed to Toad In The Hall with
a nice academic reference to Toad In Toad Hall, to appeal to the intellectuals.
Spare Ribs.
Most people in the West know ( maybe the new generation doesn't ) that God is meant to have taken a rib
from Adam to create Eve, but surely then Spare Ribs are sexist ? How dare anyone name a food Spare Ribs because this really means Spare Females ?
Oh my, Faggotts.
Now that will have to get the old heave ho.It is described as bigger than a meatball, but that's not the point.
The point is Faggott means gays, homosexuals, so this cannot be allowed.What to call them though?
Maggots certainly won't do. Any ideas?
This trend I'm on about started way back in 2004.
A radio commercial made by the Supermarket chain Summerfield, in which an American man rejects his wife's suggested dinner,saying, 'I've got nothing against Faggotts , I just don't fancy them', was found to have breached the Advertising and Sponsorship Code, and was banned by the Industry Regulator Ofcom.
It was reported that British Facebook users had been blocked temporarily for using the word when food would be mentioned.
Then there's Rissoles. That could be likened to.,,,, I think you get it.
Black Pudding could be considered racist.
The fact that it is black wouldn't matter.
Eve's Pudding would also have to go, as it is far too sexist.
As for Knickerbocker Glory. Fancy using the word Knicker A no no for sure..
Welcome to the new age of the insane.I am sure many more words and phrases will be put under the spotlight and found to be offensive to someone, somewhere.
You might be interested to learn that, according to Wikipedia, the word Dick when used for puddings was used widely in the 19th Century.
It could be the corruption of the word Pudding, evolving through Puddink, then Puddick, then finally Dick.
So there you have it- it's a totally innocent word.
UPDATE; 16.11.2018.
Someone pointed out to me the other day that there was a headline in The Independent Newspaper , a few months ago that run;
' People Think 'Snowman ' Should Be Called ' Snowpeople' To Promote Gender Equality'.
And in a CBeebies children's programme a snowman was called a snowperson.
You couldn't make it up.
If you want to make it , here's how- not the snowperson, but the infamous Dick that is Spotted.
Firstly the ingredients are as follows.
250 g of self raising flour and a pinch of salt.
180 g of currant.
80 g of caster sugar.
Grate 1 lemon
Grate I orange.
Plus 150ml of whole milk.
And, very important - custard.
Now what to do with all the above ?
Keep reading.
!. Pour the flour and salt into a bowl and then add the suet, currants, sugar, lemon and orange zest.
2. Then pour in about 150 ml of milk to a firm but slightly moist dough. You might have to add extra milk.
3.Shape into a fat roll about 20 cm long before placing on a large rectangle of baking parchment.
Wrap this loosely to allow the pudding to rise, and tie the end.
4.Now place the steamer over a large pan of boiling water, then add the pudding to the steamer.
Cover the steamer for 1 and a half hours. You might need to top up the pan with water.
5.Remove from steamer, but allow to cool before you unwrap it.
6 Serve with thick custard.
And enjoy.
Mike Selley.
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